January 20, 2011

The Most Interesting Man In The World

January 19, 2011


"Can't Wait!"

January 17, 2011

The Most Interesting Dog in the World

January 17, 2011

Yes. Yes We Do.

January 15, 2011

The Man Hat

January 14, 2011


Happy Fathers Day

January 14, 2011

Man Gets DUI on SkyJack

January 11, 2011

Dating Tips For Men

January 10, 2011

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. When she says that she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. If, I mean when, she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time later in the day. This will ensure that she waits by the phone. Also, tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny!

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When your g/f looks at you, stare into her eyes, mouth the words 'fuck you,' and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I go make a sandwich"

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold... but not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say, "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No, she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

21. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

22. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

23. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but I think it's funny.


Soup of the Day

January 10, 2011


January 8, 2011


January 6, 2011

Yeah Whatever

January 6, 2011

Water Boarding is for Pussies

January 6, 2011

Toy Yoda

January 6, 2011

Why Beer Is Better Than A Women

January 3, 2011

Dance Before The Police Come

January 3, 2011

Husband Is Not..

January 2, 2011

Badass of the Week

January 1, 2011

Dwight Johnson

You don't really think of Vietnam as being a tank warfare kind of affair. Sure, there were plenty of intense, groin-crushing battles fought during the vicious multi-year slugfest through the jungles of Southeast Asia, but most of these showdowns were the ambush / search-and-destroy sort of events, with infantrymen slogging through armpit-deep mud, fighting off ambushes and human wave attacks in miserable driving rainstorms, and crawling through carefully-dug tunnels laden with booby traps.  You don't exactly picture a Blitzkrieg of Panzers blasting through the hedgerows of Normandy or anything, mostly because trying to drive a tank through a jungle is a logistical undertaking that borders on being retarded.

Perhaps that's why Specialist Dwight Johnson of the 1st Battalion, 69th Armor Regiment holds the impressive distinction of being the only tank driver to receive the Medal of Honor for actions in combat during Vietnam.  Although, as you might expect, the actions that led to Spc. Johnson receiving America's highest award for bravery in combat actually had very little to do with this ultra-over-the-top hardass actually sitting behind at the controls of his M48A3 battle tank, and a lot more with taking on an entire North Vietnamese Army offensive by himself armed with nothing more than a .45-caliber handgun and a complete lack of anything resembling fear or restraint.

In mid-January 1968, just a few days before the infamous Tet Offensive seriously knocked the American forces on their collective asses, the 1/69th Armor received a frantic call from a front-line Infantry platoon that had just come under attack by a hellacious battalion-sized force of battle-hardened North Vietnamese regulars.  Eager to get into the action and save his buddies from what was quickly becoming a soul-sucking situation of intense crappiness, Dwight Johnson jumped behind the wheel (stick? Controls? I have no idea what the hell the driver's seat of a tank looks like) of his M48 and started barreling ass through the jungle towards the sounds of distant gunfire, busting through the jungle underbrush like Ripley plowing the APC to rescue the Colonial Marines in Aliens.  I have no doubt that if Paul Reiser had been in the hull, Johnson would have told him to suck it.

Of course, as I indicated in my lead paragraph, the terrain in rural Vietnam isn't incredibly responsive when you go around trying to plow several thousand tons of metal through it – you'd have a better chance driving an APC through Candyland on a sunny summer afternoon.  So, of course, as luck would have it, the second that Johnson's tank approached the firefight, one of the treads blew out, rendering the vehicle immobile.  Thanks for stopping by, now please enjoy the show while you watch all your buddies get gunned down by a force that outnumbers them ten to one.

Fuck that noise.  Dwight Johnson grew up on the mean streets of the Detroit housing projects, and he wasn't going to just sit around like a dumbass while American troops were out there getting shot in the head right in front of him.  Johnson reached down into the cockpit of the tank (again, I have no goddamned idea if this is the correct terminology ornot), and grabbed the only weapon that had been issued to him by the United States Army:  A Colt M1911A1 .45-caliber pistol.

I shit you not, this tank pilot hopped out the hatch of this heavily-armored bulletproof vehicle and charged into battle against camouflaged, experienced, AK-47-toting enemy soldiers armed with nothing more than a handgun, a really bad attitude, and an uncontrollable urge to kill everything in sight.  He charged into the middle of the ambush, fighting alongside the men of the trapped platoon, capping dudes with his pistol with incredible proficiency.  When Johnson burned through the last magazine of his weapon, he ran back to the tank, reached in, and found a submachine gun lying around in there for some reason, which he eagerly then took back into the middle of the ambush.  With the Americans desperately trying to fight off an increasingly-more-deadly human wave attack, the battle soon moved into close-quarters, hand-to-hand beatdown-style combat.  Johnson blasted a few guys with the SMG at extreme-close range, but eventually had to discard the weapon after he snapped the stock in half while smashing some dude's face in with it (seriously).

Now completely out of ammunition and/or anything he could use as a workable firearm, Johnson rushed back to the tanks.  Seeing that his vehicle was still hopelessly immobile, he rushed over to his platoon Sergeant's tank, opened the hatch, and peeked in.  The tank's gunner was badly wounded – slumped in his seat, but still breathing.  Johnson heroically pulled the dude out the hatch while bullets whizzed by his head, hoisted the wounded soldier on his back, and carried the dude to a nearby APC so he could receive medical attention.  Then, of course, Johnson sprinted back to the tank, hood-slid across the front of it like a 70s detective movie, jumped in, and started firing the fucking main cannon at the NVA soldiers who were by now rapidly closing in on the tanks' position.  Within seconds he was spraying the battlefield with some large-caliber destruction, and holding the honor of being the guy in the battle who fired both the engagement's largest and smallest weaponry.  I say "of course" he did this, because at this point in the story nothing should really surprise you about this guy – he didn't pull any punches, didn't stop fighting for any damn reason ever, and definitely wasn't going to let anything short of death stand in the way of his super-intense, Viking-quality blood rage.

Eventually the main gun on the M48 jammed, presumably as a result of Johnson firing so many goddamned tank rounds out of it so rapidly that it melted the barrel into a clumpy metallic sludge.  Once again left without a viable means for killing people, Johnson quickly glanced around the interior of the tank, taking stock of what was available.  What he found were more magazines for the 1911.

So, for the third time, Specialist Dwight H. Johnson rushed into the middle of a raging warzone firing his pistol at anything that moved.  After killing a few more NVA (the Medal of Honor citation eventually gave up trying to tally this guy's kill totals), and burning through the rest of his ammunition, Johnson hopped up onto the roof of his tank, exposing himself in full view to the enemy soldiers, and started mowing people down with the .50-caliber machine gun on the cupola.  By the time the smoke cleared, the American forces were standing alone on the battlefield.  Spc. Johnson's insane, utterly-ridiculous kill-frenzy of destruction had helped not only fight off a massive battalion of NVA soldiers, but also rescued the stranded U.S. platoon from a situation in which they would have otherwise been completely humped.  He received the Medal of Honor for his actions, battled with his regiment through the Tet Offensive, and survived the war.


The Original Rough Rider

December 30, 2010

Man Punch

December 29, 2010

Rules That Men Wish Women Knew

December 28, 2010
1.Sometimes we just don't want to talk. Don't take it personally.
2.We notice other women because we are men and we are alive. This does not mean we're planning to dump you and jump them.
3.Our favorite T-shirts are not "disgraceful." They show our loyalty to our college, our favorite sports team, our favorite beer, our favorite vacation or number 23.
4.Helpless is not cute.
5.Get to the point.
6.Understand that men are single-minded and can only do one thing at a time. So don't talk to us while we're doing something. We will either ignore you, because we don't hear you "honestly), or we'll screw up what we're doing because you've distracted us.
Exception to Rule 6. Interrupt us if something is on fire, if someone needs immediate medical attention, if Pamela Lee is on TV or if there is an emergency that needs a hero.
7.You can't complain that there are no good guys around while some of us are still single.
8.If you ask us, "Do you think she's prettier then me?" we just might say, "Yes." Then what are you going to do?
9.Don't expect even a great relationship with us to solve all your problems. Just because we love you, doesn't mean your cellulite, your credit card debt or your bad mood will disappear.
10.We would not wear high heels to impress you.
11.Breathe occasionally so we can get a word in.
12.For us, driving is not just a means of going from point A to point B. It's an opportunity to control a couple of tons of steel. We drive, therefore, we are.
13.If you want us to notice something, help us out by saying something like, "I went to the beauty shop today."
14.If you have to have a cat, at least don't call him "Mister" anything.
15.Hide the self help books when we come over. They make us nervous.

 RULES 16 - 55 >>>

That's Right Sweetheart

December 24, 2010

Comment >>>


My Hero

December 24, 2010

Comment >>>


Vietnam Tom AC Transit Fight

December 22, 2010

Vietnam War Vet kicks Black dudes ass on a bus. Interviews are pretty funny too.




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